FunPen

We had moved to our own domain!!!

2008-07-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

We had moved this blog to our own domain and onto our own servers so we can enjoy all the features and benifits of WordPress....like small URL, multimedia, Files, many more.

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please visit this new blog here after for new posts.

Confident vs. confidential

2008-03-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

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Meaning of a WIFE

2008-03-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

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Brother wanted

2008-03-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

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Losing all your friends

2008-03-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

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What is the Fun about Indian premier league (IPL)

2008-03-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

Actually Indian cricket board started this IPL against Indian cricket League(ICL) which was started by subash Chandra of Zee Network to stop the monopoly of BCCI which is a private board for cricket, but I don’t know how much ICL earned but ICL made around 8 thousand crore rupees which is around two hundred crore dollars some players who doesn’t even played a match in international cricket has earned lakhs of rupees just to play seven to ten matches The most funniest thing is Symonds, Australian cricket hero earned the maximum amount of whooping 8 crore rupees who was said to be racially abused by Indian audience at various grounds in India when Australia toured in India, Australia is no more number one which was occupied by South Africa and followed by India, Now all the Australian players are interested to play in IPL and to earn money not to play series with Pakistan

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She, He...And a love story

2008-03-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Friend: Happy birthday!
She : Haan...tha......nk yo....u...was just getting up from the bed.

Friend : Oh! That means I am the first to wish you!
She : Naa! He has already wished me at 12 in the night.

Friend : Who???
She : Come on, who else, Nitin.

Friend : Oh, ok. So, what's the plan for today?
She : Nitin told me that he has a surprise gift for me for my Birthday. And
also we are going to Flower Show today. I am excited! I have never seen the
flower show that happens in Lal Baug. Actually that itself is the most
wonderful gift for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : "Did you go to Palace grounds all the way from Basavanagudi, to
see Bryan Adam's show!!! Who accompanied you?"
She : Nitin

Friend : By the way, who referred your CV in SoCrates? I mean you don't
know anyone there, right?
She : No, he forwarded my CV to one of his friends there.

Friend : I heard that the HR round interview went on till 8pm in the night.
I think you faced difficulty in returning to your room.
She : No, he had come to pick me up. He came from his office, dropped me to
my room and he returned to his room at around 11pm. He didn't have dinner
also. I asked him to have at my room. Poor Nitin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : If you are supposed to go home tomorrow itself then what about
reservation?
She : I have told him, he will go to Majestic and would get it done, and he
told he has some work in Majestic. That's why I am relaxed a bit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : How was your written test in Philips?
She : I failed yaar. The day before the test I had prepared perfectly.
Nitin had come to our room. He taught me the basics of embedded programming
concepts. I was very confident only because of him. But something else was
in store for me.

Friend : Then, what did you do on Sunday?
She : We had gone to see "Lakshya". He doesn't see Hindi movies. But as I
was upset after failing in the Philips written test, he took me for movie.
I was very happy and surprised that he himself decided for a Hindi movie,
and he was very happy that I enjoyed the movie. And you know; we had dinner
in Pizza hut. It was his belated B'day treat!

Friend : And, what was your belated gift ;-)
She : Gift!! I had given the gift on his B'day itself. I was the first to
call him at 12 in the night, he was busy throughout the day, and somehow we
could meet in the evening and I gifted him with a cute time piece with a
nice quote on it. He doesn't have time sense, so my time piece must always
remind him of this. That day he didn't give me any treat as he had to go
back to office. Yesterday I had a fight over this, you know! Poor kid.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : Hello...what about our sari shopping program in Malleshwaram?
She : Listen, I will call you later.

Friend : You didn't call me back in the morning, so I called now.
She : Yeah, when you called I was in Koramangala, with Nitin. He was very
upset in the morning. He had a fight with his elder brother. So, it
wouldn't have been fair on my part to leave him alone. If I am with him in
such situation very soon he comes back to normalcy. So I postponed the
Malleshwaram program.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : Hey! What happened? You seem to be very happy today.
She : Why not? You know today is one of the most happiest days for me.
Nitin got an onsite assignment in UK, for 6 months! That's why I am very
happy. All of his hard work paid today. He had been waiting for this
opportunity since long. He'll be leaving next month.

Friend : You will miss him.
She : Badly. I am so much dependent on him. I must thank Sanju, through him
only I got to know Nitin. Without Nitin it would have been very difficult
for me to stay in this alien city with no friends, relatives and on top of
all, no job. He has been so caring friend all through my tough times in
this city, he is so mature, so understanding, so trustworthy...a true
friend.

Friend : He loves you yaar.
She : I know.

Friend : And you? Don't you love him?
She : I don't want to.

Friend : Don't tell me. You also feel for him.
She : I know yaar. He has everything that I expect in my
dream-life-partner. I know I can never get a true life partner like him.
But I don't want to commit.

Friend : What is stopping you? I really don't understand. When Miya-beevi
are razi kya karega kazi?
She : Please...don't say like that. I never told him that I love him or
something like that.

Friend : Is he a fool not to understand your feelings which are so clear
from outside only? Poor fellow, don't leave him alone.
She : I have told him everything about my family. He knows how orthodox my
parents are. They can never expect me marrying a guy from a different
caste. They trust me. Come what may, I will not hurt my parent's feelings.
I cannot imagine also. Now they are happily searching a guy for me in my
native place.

Friend : Hmm, I don't understand at all.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She : This Saturday I have to go home, a guy is coming to see me.
Friend : Oh! Is it? Good news yaar. Your first interview! Wish you all the
best.

Friend : Any guesses, who is he?
She : Please yaar. I am least bothered and least interested. For the sake
of my parents' happiness I have agreed for this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : What about the interview, I was expecting your call actually?
She : Nothing so special. I didn't like the guy's attitude. I told my
parents clearly. My parents are very understanding and so they too told me
that they won't go ahead with this matter.

Friend : But still you should have analyzed properly.
She : I shared my views with Nitin. He had called me the next day. He
didn't suggest me anything. He didn't tell me to say "yes" or "no", he
didn't preach what is right or what is wrong. But after talking to him I
was satisfied that whatever decision I took was right.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friend : Yesterday your mobile was engaged for more than half an hour. I
kept trying, but I slept after 11pm.
She : Yeah, I was talking to Nitin. He is very much worried about my
marriage. He is concerned whether I would get a guy of my choice or not,
whether I would be happy with him or not. I was very sad to know this. But
I am helpless. I pacified him and convinced that whatever my parents do,
that will be the best for me, so no need to worry.

Friend : How Nitin will feel after you get married? Will he not be upset
all the time?
She : Time will change everything. He will start living again. Was he not
leading a normal life before I came into his life? It's all matter of time.
Even I can't do anything other than pacifying him and myself with these
philosophical statements.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally " She" got engaged with a guy of her parent's choice (with her
"yes" of course). She is in touch with both Nitin and the new " him"
regularly through chatting in Yahoo Messenger.

Finally " She" got happily married to " him", very soon converting Nitin
into memories, but deleting the memories was slow and almost impossible for
Nitin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do girls do like this?

She needs him when she is new to the city.
She needs his help in finding out a PG or hostel for her
She makes him prepare a good-format-CV for her
She needs him to drop her to the venue of a walk-in interview
She expects him to collect all the consultants' mail ids
She needs him while preparing for the interviews
She needs his help in identifying HER skill sets, strengths and weakness!
She wants him to conduct a mock-interview for her!
She gives her yahoo mail id password so that he can forward her CV to
consultants through internet in his office (in office hours!)
She needs him for boosting her confidence when she fails in the 1 st
written test in her life
She wants him to take her to M.G Road , Brigade Road, Forum and Big bazaar
She needs his company while visiting all the temples in Malleshwaram on
Vijayadashami, though he is not a believer of God.
She asks his opinions on importance of marriage
She wants him to be a shoulder to cry when her parents force her for
marriage
She needs his help in preparing her mind for the first interview with a guy
She needs his help in deciding about the marriage proposal
She loves to share her happiness with him when she gets engaged
She expects him to attend her marriage (Come on guys, he is a true friend
of her!)

The guy does all this honestly, without saying a single "No".

He loves her.
He cares for her.
Whatever he is today; it is only because of her entry in to his life.
He treats her as his life.
She changed him.
It is only because of her, he is smiling.
It is only because of her, he has forgotten the past bitter experiences.
She is the first person in his life to influence him so much.
He was the " bhatka hua musafir" and she came as his " manzil".
He threw the cigarette in the dust-bin because of her.
He has cultivated a positive attitude towards marriage and family because
of her.
She is the perfect Indian woman he has ever seen.
He keeps a photo of Lord Krishna in his purse now; only because of her
(also it is her favorite deity!).
Weekends come and go without his notice; it is only because of her.
He stopped going to office on Weekends; it is only because of her.
Onsite project was his dream; he puts all his efforts now, not to get an
onsite assignment but to get a job for her in Bangalore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The girl depends on the guy as if she never lived and can never live
without him. Guy behaves as if he has taken birth on this earth only to
care for that lady. She treats him as a shoulder to cry and he treats her
as a puppy in a rain storm. She loves to depend and he loves to take care,
finally they fall in so called "love", ultimately adding an unnecessary
trauma to life. Girls want a perfect life partner but they don't want to
hurt their parents' feelings, guys know that they can't get her but still
they want to care for her(because they want her to be happy wherever she is
and with whoever she is).Great! Or shall I say crap!

Or I think no need to be so serious about it.

She gets engaged, life goes on...
Long lasting phone calls become short and sweet, life goes on...
A heart which was used to "Good morning" SMSs learns to be happy with just
the "Happy weekend" SMSs, life goes on...
No more "Unread messages" in the yahoo mail, life goes on...
No one to share coffee at "Barista" at the end of a tiring working day,
life goes on...
No more consultants' calls to be diverted and life goes on...
He starts smoking again, life goes on...
He is still living in flashback, and no looking back for her, but life goes
on...
He gets promoted, he is a manager, she is mother of two kids, and life goes
on...
He is in his late twenties, happily married to a beautiful, understanding,
mature, caring, broad minded wife! Anyway life goes on...

Who knows, among these "Nitin"s someone will come up as "Cheran" (ace
Tamil film director)and make a wonderful movie "My autograph" telling us of
his unsuccessful love stories, or someone will come up as "Sudeep"( Kannada
film actor turned director) who goes to his flashback after seeing this
movie and then decides remaking this movie in Kannada, giving common people
an opportunity to relive their past love-life at least for 3 hours, that
too with their spouses, without any problem! Because there is " She" in
every wife and there is Nitin in every husband (most of the times!). There
are dumb spectators like " Friend" who are puzzled to see the whole episode
between "She" and Nitin and just ask themselves " WHAT IT IS???" .

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A bus conductor

2008-03-20T21:15:00.001-07:00

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to boardthe bus,but he didn't stop the bus.Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and diedon the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capitalpunishment.He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. Theconductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given tohim. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set himfree, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good lo! oking middle aged womantried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.Unfortunately,this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus anddied on the spot.Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turntook him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gavehimcapital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocutionchamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room anda single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to thechair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also toeveryone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, andhereturned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board thebus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences,stoppedthe b! us. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to hisinjuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then tothe court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, butconsidering his past record the judge decided to set an example andgave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the sameelectrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the centerof the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He wasstrapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This timehe died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but diedinstantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves.

This is rather interesting and answer isperfectly logical.

If necessary read the puzzle once again.!

Still you couldn't, Then see below.........

think hardcommon .............

tired....
wanna know the answer????

ok........

there is the Answer............

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor,therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time,hewas a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity!!

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A bus conductor

2008-03-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

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What happens if 1 Rupee = 45 Dollars

2008-03-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

Enjoy with Future India after 50 Years.

What happens if 1 rupee = 45 dollars !............ ......... ....

Scene 1:

Venue : Microsoft Corporation, New York , US Some s/w

Some software engineers are Watching some photographs.

s/w engg 1 : What's that?

s/w engg 2 : Bob's photographs from India ..

s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?

s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is Mumbai

s/w engg 1 : Fundoo yaar! And what is this? He got Bajaj Pulsar also.

s/w engg 2 : Let me see (sees). This guy enjoys life maan...

s/w engg 3 : You know how much an Bajaj Pulsar costs? Nearly 60K..... Say it in dollars... (60000*45 = 27,00,000 dollars)

s/w engg 2: Oops. We can't dream of such a thing here.

s/w engg 1 : Let's go to India & try for a job.

[Everybody excited.]

SCENE 2:

Venue: Sun Microsystems, SanFrancisco , California , US

s/w engg 1: I'm with you man. My Visa is expected anytime. Soon I will fly to India

s/w engg 2 : Ohhh.... When is the party?

s/w engg 1: When I get it on hand.

s/w engg 2: Where will you be working?

s/w engg 1 : I'll be working in a company in Sadashiv Peth

s/w engg 2 : Oh! Sadashiv Peth. Great yaar.

where it is...

s/w engg 1 : It is in Pune ..

s/w engg 3 : Fundoo place yaar. Nice climate Not like California .. You'll love the weather yaar.

s/w engg 2 : Who is the client yaar?

s/w engg 1: You know Municipal Corporation of Pune ?

s/w engg 3 : Yeah. MCP. One of my friends is there in the RoadRepair & Cleaning Division. Most challenging job yaar. People are workingin the cutting edge of technology there.

s/w engg 1 : I'll be writing software for the accounts department ofthe GCU.

s/w engg 2: GCU? what it means...?

s/w engg 1 : that is Garbage Collecting Unit.

s/w engg 3 : : Great yaar. That's what I like about that country.You can get a job which requires all your skill. Not like here. SeeI'm writing software for the space shuttle remote control. I hate this.

s/w engg 1 : Don't worry guys. I'll give you my Hotmail id. You can send your resume to me and I'll forward it tothe HRD.

[Everybody takes down his Hotmail id.]

SCENE 3 :

Venue: IBM, New York , US

(Conversation between a Male s/w engg. and Female s/w engg.)

Male : Hi!

Female: Hi. You know. I'm planning to settle in India soon.

Male : What??

Female : Yeah. My marriage will be here in America only. He is doinghis Ph.D in V.T.U and he's coming here for a month. His study will be over in 2 months.

He's already got a job in MSEB. We planned to settle in Banglore itself... I'm also planning to work there.Let's see... Male: Good luck... dont forget us & US...

SCENE 4 :

Venue: Intel Corp. US

s/w engg 1: Great news guys. Our George has got admission in the IGNOU with scholarship for B.A History. A greatnew field yaar...
All are excited... George : Got my Visa yesterday. It's all finalized now.

s/w engg 2 : Congrats yaar. So you are out of this country.

s/w engg 1 : B.A in Histroy...ohh. ....man, enjoy your life there?

s/w engg 2 : : Got full aid, eh? George : Yeah. Got the UGC scholarship That will be 1200 Rupees per Year.

s/w engg 1 : Great. Enjoy. s/w engg 2 : (Thinking loud): 1200 Indian Rupees...! that means 1200 * 45 = 54000 Dollars... with that amount I can buy a three bed-room flat & a Mercedes here...!!!

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porno poem

2008-03-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she
was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might
spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and
asked him: 'Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son: 'Bring this to
your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to
the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

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Wanna become a smart Design Engineer

2008-03-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

Once a smart Design engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards
Ooty in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting
along with her grand ma. With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started
between our engineer & that girl. After some minutes, train started moving
in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping..
Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed
my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately
slapped that guy."

PM thought that,"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it
is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel
sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever Design engineer thought?

" This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because, at a
time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM."

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Old Weird looking Book seller on a Full moon night

2008-03-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

If you know some one staying in Pune let them know this. If you are
In pune, do go through this story COZ, its a real one. Read this true
story... and let everybody you know in and around Pune especially University
Road
.........

My friend lives in Deccan ... One day he went to University Road to
Visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a wedding in Lonavla.
One evening he and some other of my college friends went to Adlabs for a
movie.
He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late.
He caught the last PMT to University Road ..... he reached University
Road around midnight...... He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to
home.... As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt
very creepy as it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an
old weird-looking guy selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to
see a thing like that.....
It got the shivers ! on him when he noticed that his
old guy was unusually pale and staring at him... The old guy said "Son
why don't you buy a book...it would keep you company".

Then my friend did something which he would regret for the rest of
His life. My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at
His collections...
My friend's hair started to stand on end as he noticed that all the
Books were related to supernatural activities...but he found one that was
Very interesting.

So he asked the old man "how much is it, uncle?"
The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's
Only for
Rs 250.

My friend was shocked and said "but...but... it's expensive"

This time the old man stared which freaked my friend.
My friend did not want to cross this scary old man, so he quickly
Checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said

"This is all I have." The old guy replied "It's OK son... you can have
The book for that price"

As my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called back
& said "Son ... whatever happens, don't ever flip the book to it's last
page... remember these words or you will regret...!!!!!"

My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he quickly
Asked his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller nearby?
The Uncle replied " I haven't seen him but ....we've heard that
there's 1 old man who comes once in a while during full moon nights but heard
that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle... just
asking". He started reading the book with the old man's parting words on his
mind...
At night, 2 o'clock , as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which
Chilled him up to his bones. At that point, he noticed the wind had
blown th e pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has
said!
But we humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he
flipped to the last page & fainted... What he saw at the last page
is stated below:

Don't look further down if you have a weak heart

I warn you

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Original price:-- Rs. 20/-

Promotion price:-- Rs. 10/-

**********************************
he he he he hhe hhe Don’t Search for me

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Who is the guy who was hindering my progress?

2008-03-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big notice on the door on which it was written:

"Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym".

In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know, who was that man who hindered their growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room.

The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up.

Everyone thought: "Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!"

One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it, they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.

There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.

There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:

"There is only one person, who is capable to set limits to your growth:

IT IS YOU.

You are the ONLY person who can revolutionize your life.

You are the only person, who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.

You are the ONLY person who can help YOURSELF.

Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limited beliefs, when you realize that you are the ONLY one responsible for your life.

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN HAVE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF! ".

Examine yourself. Watch yourself. Don’t be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: Be a WINNER, Build Yourself and Your Reality.

The world is like a Mirror. It gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.

The world and your reality are like mirrors lying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success.

It’s the way you face Life that makes the difference.

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A Human resourse manager in Heaven

2008-03-14T05:02:00.000-07:00

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to
do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had
worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having
such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
...
...
...
...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

as a HR u should know all these.,.u had to do all these from now,.,!!!!!

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How to recognise a male snake ?

2008-03-14T04:59:00.001-07:00

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An essay on indian cow

2008-03-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is a true essay written by a candidate at UPSC ( IAS ) Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian Cow.

INDIAN COW

He is the cow.The cow is a successful animal.Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God , sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd,why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in hte meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be parralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forewards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow........... Send this by mail to your english teacher and within 7 days ...... ..... She is surely gonna committ SUICIDE

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Little Johnny's Story....

2008-03-14T04:50:00.000-07:00

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subservientprogrammer

2008-03-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

Hats off to the guys who developed this.

Check out the following link

It works only in Internet Explorer

its really interesting.
Connect to this link. u will c a person sitting in front of the computer.
Type the words like "LAUGH" an d then press dispatch?..the person will do
that action .
Like laugh u can alsoj try walk,run,sleep,eat,etc...............

But it should be a
single word ,

http://www.subservientprogrammer.com/main.aspx

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All the time great Love story-3

2008-03-11T02:59:00.000-07:00

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she's settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity.

'How could this have happened to me?' she would plead, her heart knotted with anger. But no matter how much she cried or ranted or prayed, she knew the painful truth, her sight was never going to return. A cloud of depression hung over Susan's once optimistic spirit. All she had to cling to was her husband Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however Mark realized that this arrangement wasn't working - it was hectic, and costly.

Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But just the thought of mentioning it to her made him cringe. She was still so fragile, so angry. How would she react?

Just as Mark predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. "I'm blind!" she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I'm going? I feel like you're abandoning me."

Mark's heart broke but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each day he would ride the bus with her until she got the hang of it.

And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat. Each morning they made the journey together, and Mark would take a cab back to his office.

Although this routine was even more costly and exhausting than the previous one, Mark knew it was only a matter of time before Susan would be able to ride the bus on her own. Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus riding companion, her husband, and her best friend.

Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....

Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better.

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying for her fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure envy you." Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? "Why do you envy me?"

The driver responded, "It must feel so good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, "What do you mean?" The driver said, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you when you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches you until you enter your office building. Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady."

Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was blessed, so blessed, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there had been darkness.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her..."

So if you love someone be faithful to that person.

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Lessons in Logic

2008-03-11T02:58:00.000-07:00

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?

............ ......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

............ ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......... ......

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

............ ......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

............ .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

............ .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

............ ......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

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Munnabai Software programmer

2008-03-11T02:49:00.000-07:00

This is the dailouges of Munnabai Software Programmer who acted earlier as Munnabai MBBS and Lage Raho Munnabai

appun jaise tappori s/w Engg. ko kya maalum...
saala programming kis chidiya kaa naam hai...

copy paste kaa kaam miltaa hai bass appun khush...!!!

fir yeh coding kaa lafdaa locha kaiko?

are kaiko ?

arre kaiko re?

fir ek din boleto appun ko project mila.....

ya haaaaaaaaaa!!!!

saala appun ka khopdi chakkar kha gaya ....

computer ke saath dil saala takkar kha gayaa...!!!

din bhar appun computer ke aagge...

koi lafdaa nahi kuch nahi...

Boss bola kya be munna saala tu bhi programmer bann gaya...!!!

ye munnabhai kya coding bana rela hai baap...!!!

(fir ...? fir kya huwa..?)

fir ek din appun ne coding poora kar diya...

form poora karke appun ne testing ko bhej diya...!!!

lagataa tha ab appun kaa kaam khatam ho gaya ....!!!

par module me issues dekhake sala appun darr gaya ....!!!

appun ke saamne tester ne mere coding me ki galtiyaa nikali... aapun ke
coding ki poori waat laga di.... appun udharich khadaa thaa... par
appun kuch nahi bola... kaiko bolega? kaiko...?

saala ek, ek kaam kiya thaa... usme bhi itne bugs...

par appun ek aansu nahi roya...

kaiko royega...?

kaiko..?

saala appunich yedaa thaa naa...!!!

agale din se phir wohi life chalu...

wohi mails forward karnaa, wohi messages, wohi template, wohi assignments... saala itnaa mails forward kiya...itnaa mails forward kiya...
log
samze mail server down hoyega... bhoolneka hai bhoolneka hai par kya
karega...!!!

training milke bhi jab kaam nahi miltaa hai...

haa thoda bore huwa par chaltaa hai...

(phir ...? phir kya huwa..?)

fir ...?

fir kya...?

fir agale din appun ko aur ek project mila...!!!

shaappak...

saala appun ka khopdi phir chakkar kha gaya .....

computer ke saath dil saala phir takkar kha gayaa...!!!

ho ho ho hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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The link between man & god is FAITH

2008-03-11T02:41:00.000-07:00

Don't miss even a single word...Every second is worth reading this Post

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof:

So you believe in God?

Student:

Absolutely, sir.

Prof :

Is God good?

Student:

Sure.

Prof:

Is God all-powerful?

Student :

Yes.

Prof:

My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.

Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent..)

Prof:

You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student:

Yes.

Prof:

Is Satan good?

Student :

No.

Prof:

Where does Satan come from?

Student:

From...God.. .

Prof:

That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student:

Yes.

Prof:

Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student:

Yes.

Prof:

So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof:

Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student:

Yes, sir.

Prof:

So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof:

Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you.

Tell me, son...Have you ever

seen God?

Student:

No, sir.

Prof:

Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student:

No, sir.

Prof:

Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student:

No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof:

Yet you still believe in Him?

Student:

Yes.

Prof:

According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist.

What do you say to that, son?

Student:

Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof:

Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student:

Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof:

Yes.

Student:

And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof:

Yes.

Student:

No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student :

Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat.

But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go

any further after that.

There is no such thing as cold . Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of

heat

. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy . Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it .

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student:

What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof:

Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student :

You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright

light, flashing light....But if

you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In

reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make

darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof:

So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student:

Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof:

Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student:

Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor.Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof:

If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student:

Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going..)

Student:

Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class is in uproar.)

Student:

Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student :

Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain,sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

Prof:

I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student:

That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH .. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

I believe you have enjoyed this post. ..and if so...you'll probably want your friends/colleagues to enjoy the same...won't you?....

this is a true story, and the

student was none other than........ ..

APJ Abdul Kalam , the former president of India

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UnAnswered Questions for Microsoft

2008-03-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

MAGIC #1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the
computer which can be named as "CON". I think for "nul" folder also it will work(try it also)
This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable. ..
At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW ,IT WILL NOT CREATE " CON " FOLDER

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----------------------------------

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? Confused?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------------------------------------

MAGIC #3

microsoft crazy facts

This is something pretty cool and neat...and unbelievable. .. At
Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this
happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself...

Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER

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A Car Without Driver

2008-03-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

it really happened.... This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining. And pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then...................... Two guys (Santa Singh & Banta Singh) walk into the dhabba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."

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Guys will remain to be Guys!!!

2008-03-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

Lounde aakhir Lounde hee rahenge!!!
Who ever it is!!!
Guys will remain to be Guys!!!

Enjoy this scene.. Our players caught completely..

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All the time great Love story-2

2008-03-10T00:51:00.001-07:00

Nurse: "It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, presented to have sutures
(stitches) removed from his thumb.
He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I (nurse) took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. Asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning somewhere else, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him. "And you are still going every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

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What is Effective Communication?

2008-03-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good

Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I

pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example: Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation? J

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Eight Lies of a Mother

2008-03-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry." This was Mother's First Lie. As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten; My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish." This was Mother's second lie Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes which she filled with fresh matchsticks. This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired." This was Mother's Third Lie When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration; I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!; This was Mother's Fourth Lie. After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small. Our other neighbors saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love." This was Mother's Fifth Lie. After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money." That was Mother's Sixth Lie. I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living." That was Mother's Seventh Lie In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain." That was Mother's Eighth Lie. Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died. YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL! M - O - T - H - E - R "M" is for the Million things she gave me, "O" means Only that she's growing old, "T" is for the Tears she shed to save me, "H" is for her Heart of gold, "E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them, "R" means Right, and right she'll always be, Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER" a word that means the world to me. For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.

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2008-03-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind came from them."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says:

"Mummy, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

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Rearrange the Letters

2008-03-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

This has got to be one of the cleverest e -mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or

DILIP VENGSARKAR

When you rearrange the letters:

SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA

When you rearrange the letters:

END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY

When you rearrange the letters:

NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Is deadly at Scrabble................

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All the time great Love story-1

2008-03-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night.
They loved each other a lot.....
Girl:"slow down a little.. I'm scared.."
Boy: "No, it's so fun.."
Girl: "please..it's so scary.."
Boy: "Then say that you love me.."
Girl: "Fine..I love you..can you slow down now?"
Boy: "Give me a big hug.."
The girl gave him a big hug.
Girl: "Now can you slow down?"
Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It's uncomfortable and it's bothering me while i ride."
The next day, there was a story in the newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed into a building because its brakes were broken. There were two people on the motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived...The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew that the girl would have gotten scared. Instead, he was told the last time that she loved him,got a hug from her, put his helmet on her so that she can live, and die himself...
Once in a while, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale...
Message "Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well"

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Footprints

2008-03-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The LORD replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." written by Mary Stevenson

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Answer on a Blonde's Geometry test

2008-03-07T00:35:00.001-08:00

Question: The base of a Right angle traingle is 4 cm and the adjacent side is 3 cm as shown in figure then what is hypotuneus in figure refered as x?

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Difference between an employee and his boss

2008-03-06T00:40:00.001-08:00

When I Take a long time to finish,

I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time,

he is thorough

When I don't do it,

I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it,

he is busy,

When I do something without being told,

I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same,

he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss,

I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss,

he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake,

you're an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake,

he's only human.

When I am out of the office,

I am wandering around.

When my boss is out of the office,

he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick,

I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick,

he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave,

I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave,

it's because he's overworked

When I do good,

my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong,

he never forgets!!!!!!.

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Message From Swami Vivekananda

2008-03-06T00:29:00.001-08:00

When I Asked God for Strength
He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face

When I Asked God for Brain & Brown
He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve

When I Asked God for Happiness
He Showed Me Some Unhappy People

When I Asked God for Wealth
He Showed Me How to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Favors
He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Peace
He Showed Me How to Help Others

God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted
He Gave Me Everything I Needed

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Meeting With Ghost

2008-03-06T00:28:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time there was a boy in a town. He was only son of his parents. He felt lonely so he started praying. One day God was so happy with his prayer so he appeared at his place and asked him to wish any thing. The boy said to God, "I feel lonely so give me one friend". God promised him, "he would send one friend for him". He became happy after hearing these words. God went back to heaven. God checked in all heaven but he did not find single person who was free to go to the earth that time. God was in toroble and worried. He sent his informer to many places but he did not find any friend for his best child. Next day one of his informers came and told him that there was one woman in hell. She was free to go to the earth.The Informer told him all about that girl. She was a ghost because she murdered one guy when she was alive. God thought and sent her on the earth in the night. That time boy was dreaming about his upcoming new friend. Ghost appeared into the room. The boy woke up and he screamed to give her identity. She told every thing to the boy. Boy accepted her as his new friend. However, their was a problem, that only boy could hear her and see her also she had bad and ugly face but she had soft heart. Slowly and gradually they both felt in love.

After one year God again came on the earth to see boy was happy or not. He appeared at his place and asked him to wish again any thing. Then boy said "Please make visible to my wife because now she is my life." God fulfilled his wish by giving good face to her and then they lived happily

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Funny Uses of a Chair

2008-03-06T00:24:00.001-08:00

We encounter them in everyday life. You yourself, probably own several. But, have you ever considered the various uses of a chair? This article will present to you, ten uses for a standard chair.

1. Sit on it. This is a great way to relieve the stress of tired feet. At the end of a long day, come home and sit down. Sitting, also can be combined with various fun activities such as eating, watching TV, and taking off your shoes. Highly recommended.

2. Stand on it. Can’t reach that top shelf where you stashed that bottle of vodka? Stand on a chair. Chairs have been used to reach things in high places for thousands of years. While the use of this method declined after the invention of the stepladder, its popularity is now making a comeback.

3. Put things on it. If you find yourself without a convenient table on which to put your bag, and you don’t want to put it on the floor, why not rest it on a chair? This cuts your energy usage in half as you only have to bend half way down to pick it up. Get creative, don’t just place objects on the flat seat, drape things across the back too!

4. Use it as a weapon. If you find yourself suddenly in a bar room brawl, or fending off a knife wielding maniac, pick up a chair and hit someone with it. You may have to pay someone for any damage you create, so save this use for self-defence or special occasions.

5. Burn it. Forgot to pay your power bill, and you’re shivering in the dark? Burn a chair. They now provide light and heat. (Make sure you own any chair you are about to ignite.)

6. Use it to jam a door. As seen in the movies, it is possible to wedge the back of a chair under a doorknob to prevent a door from being opened. This is useful for preventing anyone from entering a room that you are in. Be aware that this only works on doors that open inwards.

7. Use it to play practical jokes on your family and friends. Rearrange furniture in the dark. Laugh at the hilarity created when the subject of your practical joke stumbles into them on their way to the bathroom.

8. Throw it out a window. Enjoy one of the perks of being a rock star. Throw a chair out the window to test the trajectory, and see if it’s possible to get the TV in the pool from the tenth floor.

9. Turn it into a vehicle. By attaching wheels, skis, or a hull, you can create a cheap and effective mode of transportation.

10. Use it as a pet. You’ve heard of a pet rock? Why not a pet chair? They are cheap to own, require no food, and need only occasional dusting. What is more, they are quiet, and don’t stink up the house. Despite having four legs, there is yet to be a single case of one running away. So there you go. Ten contemporary uses for the standard chair. If you feel that I have missed anything or wish to contribute your own chair uses and suggestions....

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Amazing Facts

2008-03-06T00:11:00.001-08:00

TIP is the acronym for "To Insure Promptness."

Alexander Graham Bell never phoned his wife or mother because they were deaf.

To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, traveling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth.

Bananas are the world's most popular fruit after tomatoes.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously.

Your heart beats 101,000 times a day. During your lifetime it will beat about 3 billion times and pump about 400 million litres (800 million pints) of blood.

Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of saliva a day.

On average, people can hold their breath for one minute. The world record is seven-and-a-half minutes.

Einstein's brain was of average size (1375 grams - 49oz).

A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water.

Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.

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A software proffesional's Love Letter

2008-03-05T23:55:00.001-08:00

Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on
local train platform and realized that you are the only
site I was browsing for.
For long time, I’ve been lonely; this has been the bug in
my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just uncompelled program without you which never
produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX
controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so
delightful which encourages me and gives power to me
equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my
program modules are running smoothly and giving expected
results. /* which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey you that, if we
are linked together, I’ll provide you all objects &
libraries necessary for human being to live a error free
life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be
created by our parents as I've strong hacking
capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their
security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your
database so that my connect script will fail. And its
all certain that if this happened to me, my system will
crash beyond recovery.

Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all
privileges of your inbox.

- A Software Professional

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Anger management for ladies

2008-02-26T02:38:00.000-08:00

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you controlyour anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?Wife: I use your toothbrush.

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A software engineer's gift to barber for hair cut

2008-02-26T02:16:00.000-08:00

There was a good old barber in Bangalore. One day a
florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a Community Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......

Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ...
....
(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!! )
.....

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.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free
haircut... with Printouts of
Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut. :-(

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Where there is a will there is a way

2008-02-26T01:33:00.000-08:00

An old man lived alone in a village. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped
him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,
Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake, Dad,
don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!" At 4 a.m.
the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police
officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any
guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the
best I could do for you from here."

Moral:

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO
SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT
MATTERS.. NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS ..

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Seshu babu's seven up joke

2008-02-26T01:03:00.000-08:00

It is my first year engineering semester exam days we are preparing hard for exams i used to stay in our college hostel and Seshu babu sir is the incharge of the our college and the hostel.
one evening iam preparing for forth coming exams sitting in the coridor in a chair along with our friends its a study hour in our hostel,iam studying serioulsy in suddenly i saw seshu babu sir coming straight to our batch through the way beside me he suddenly stopped beside me and grabbed the seven up bottle that i kept beside me which was filled with drinking water and he had a sip of water and he stared for a second at me then he said like this " Pawan you have cheated me" , wondering what i did i am thinking whats the wrong i did in the recent times,how do i would have cheated him.all of my friends are also seriously observing whats the discussion going in between us and they are also trying to guess how do i cheated him,i thought a week back i have gone for a movie insted of going for a movie after having haircut for which we have taken the permission,all my friends even thought the same,all of us thought that is how i would have cheated him.

After pushing us to think for a while how do i cheated him he said " Pawan i thought its really seven up is there in that bottle that is why i drank that but its water that is how i was cheated".god i just relaxed for i while and also we have a good laugh for a long time and also we used to laugh often remembering this joke,but we used to share the joy with all my frineds when i was in my engg but i have only my blog readers that is why i though to share my favourite person Mr.Seshu babu's jokes Series. keep laughing and keep reading my blog

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Where is GOD?

2008-02-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "Boss we are in BIG trouble this time."

("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

...........

...

...

...

...

...

...

....

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

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Weight loss program

2008-02-20T02:11:00.001-08:00

Weight Loss Program:

There's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike
running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you
can catch me,
you
can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has
lost 10lbs., as promised. He then calls the company and orders their
5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and
there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in
his life.
She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck
that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the
door after
her
like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while
to
catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp
and
wheeze,
so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight,
on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another 20lb., as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the
company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on
the phone, This
is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt
this
good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing
but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Johnny.
If I catch you, you're mine........"

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The golden screw

2008-02-20T02:10:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In
its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with
it.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw
the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and
thus, never made any friends.

One day, while surfing the internet, he learned of a swami in Tibet
that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next
day he took his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to
sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day
when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the
night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window,
bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the golden screw laying
on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and
there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in
seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

Don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose
your butt.

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The bottle of wine

2008-02-20T02:09:00.002-08:00

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the
next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed
a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two ... then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade ..."

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The wishing well

2008-02-20T02:09:00.001-08:00

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a while but
then smiled "Wow! It really works!"

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The Amazing Claude

2008-02-20T02:08:00.001-08:00

The Amazing Claude
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing
Claude
was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike
most
hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique
pocket watch from
his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's
a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch as The Amazing
Claude
continued,
"You are getting sleepy...sleepy... you are now under my power.."
Until, suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

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The perfect couple

2008-02-20T02:06:00.000-08:00

Once upon time a time a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge sack of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children ther perfect couple loaded Santa and thew toys into the car.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately the weather got worse and the perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

QUESTION: Who was the survivor?

Read on to find the answer!

The perfect woman survived. She is the only one that really exists in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

*Women stop reading here this is the end of the joke.
*Men read on to continue.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. That explains why there was a car accident.

*Men continue!

By the way if your a woman, and your still reading, this illustrates another point:

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!

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Accident happens !

2008-02-20T02:05:00.000-08:00

A man runs into a friend and notices that his car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood.
He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into my ex wife's divorce lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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The Love of beans

2008-02-20T02:04:00.000-08:00

Once there lived a woman who had a terrible passion for baked beans. She loved them but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on her. One day she met a man and they fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry she thought to himself, "He'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, her car broke down. Since they lived in the country she telephoned her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk.

On her way home she passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed her. Since she still had several miles to walk the woman thought she would walk off any ill effects before she got home. So she went into the cafe and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home she farted. By the time she arrived home she felt reasonably safe. Her husband met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" He exclaimed.

He then put a blindfold on his wife and led her to her chair at the head of the table and made her promise not to peek. At this point she was beginning to feel another fart coming on. The woman heard her husband enter the room and set something down on the table before he started to remove her blindfold. Just before he could remove it the telephone rang. He again made her promise not to peek until he returned and went off to answer the phone.

While he was gone his wife seized the opportunity. She shifted her weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud but ripe as a rotten egg. She had a hard time breathing so she felt for her napkin and fanned the air about her.

She had just started to feel better when another urge came on. This time she raised her leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine reving and smelled even worse. To keep herself from gagging she tried fanning her arms a while hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when she felt another urge coming. She shifted her weight to her other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping her promise to staying blindfolded the wife carried on like this for the next 10 minutes. Continuous farting and then fanning each time with her napkin. When she heard the phone farewells she neatly laid her napkin on her lap and folded her hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, she was the picture of innocence when her husband walked in. Apologizing for taking so long he asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring him she had not peeked, he removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To her shock and horror there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for her surprise birthday party.

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Start Topic

2008-02-20T02:02:00.000-08:00

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong...school, family problems, severe health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks the child if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

"Here. Have some cooking oil."

"Yuck," says the boy.

"How about a couple of raw eggs?"

"Gross, Grandma."

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which the Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

" God works the same way. Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and difficult times, but, God knows that, when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually they will all make something wonderful!"

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gynecologist visit

2008-02-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, " you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,
plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored.
"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting
hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change."

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The empty nest

2008-02-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

Ok I love my daughter and my son but what happened to the empty nest? I spent years raising them so they would be able to go on their own. All those years the BATTLE CRY was we want to be on our own ; do what we want and ok. The day came when they went out the door to their freedom their independence; I showed a tear or too but when they were out of sight I cranked up the cd player to MY MUSIC and danced around the kitchen. Ok sex with my husband no longer had to be carefully planned; no more music that made no sense to me, quiet dinners with my husband; when the phone rang it was for me. Ok this lasted for a few months and then one day my daughter is at the door her and the boyfriend have split up and so back home to mom and dad. Ok that was not too bad and then she moved out this time for good and GUESS WHAT we skip from the 80's to 2006 and Mom is a widow but happy on her own dating and enjoying life and the son shows up on her doorstep and ok he needs to stay for awhile out of work for the first time in 10 years and so Mom shares her apartment her phone her computer with him; she can date but he wants to know everything about who and why . Ok I know this will soon end RIGHT? Mom will be alone again YES that day will come.

So trust me the Empty Nest is just fiction made up by those that want to make money by selling you ideas and perhaps pills to deal with being without the kids; they leave screaming freedom but always return and WHY no rent no bills plenty of food OK OK iam teasing this tale is true and I just wanted to put a funny spin on it lol hugs jackie

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I had it all

2008-02-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...
then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

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Having a Bad day.

2008-02-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor cut and bleeding. On seeing the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered patio door the wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet.
The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard. One of them slipped and tipped the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
and
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him, with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman

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Who would know ?

2008-02-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

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Grandparents

2008-02-18T22:31:00.001-08:00

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can
but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

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Boudreaux

2008-02-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the
Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux.
When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey, Boudreaux, how do you
like the heat down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon
in July."

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all
the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the
Devil asked him, "NOW, how do you like it down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou
Lafourche."

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that
night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The
whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters.
When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW,
Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one
happy Cajun!

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one
happy Cajun?!!

Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"

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And there will be three

2008-02-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

The newly wed wife said to her husband when
He returned from work: "I have great news for
You. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
House instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness
And kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the
Happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that
Way because tomorrow morning my mother
Moves in with us."

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Father' occupation

2008-02-18T22:24:00.001-08:00

What's your father's occupation?" asked the
teacher on the first day of the new academic
year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or
sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

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The will

2008-02-18T22:23:00.001-08:00

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well
as the good; the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the
business going; the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I
would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello, Dan!"

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Quarell between husband and wife

2008-02-18T22:21:00.001-08:00

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel,
and hubby was losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You'll bring out the
beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

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Fart

2008-02-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says"
Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.
"The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

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Late Excuse

2008-02-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.

Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy forthe house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!".

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Drive-through ATM machines

2008-02-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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Know your worth

2008-02-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

A woman approached Picasso in a restaurant, asked him to scribble something on a napkin, and said she would be happy to pay whatever he felt it was worth. Picasso complied and then said, “That will be $10,000.”

“But you did that in thirty seconds,” the astonished woman replied.

“No,” Picasso said. “It has taken me forty years to do that.”

Source: What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School by Mark H. McCormack

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A navy pilot

2008-02-18T01:09:00.001-08:00

A NAVY PILOT Joke

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot Fashion exclaimed........

'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'

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Cup of TEA

2008-02-18T01:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, I will tell you a story my mother used to tell about me when I was just a toddler. (I'm the youngest of a large family and was almost like a grandchild to my own parents).

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 2 1/2 and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing'. My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?'"

And sure enough that's where I was getting his tea........!!!

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The polite way to pee

2008-02-18T01:06:00.000-08:00

teacher trying to teach good manners, asked the students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Daring, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted.......

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$20,000-14%

2008-02-18T01:03:00.000-08:00

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University and probably know this. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary hardly thought a moment before replying, "Everything but my earrings."

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Weather Forecasting

2008-02-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
New Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
Was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
Secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
Was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
Village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
Asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
More firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
To be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
Going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
Crazy."

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Men are like....

2008-02-18T01:00:00.000-08:00

Men are like....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like .. Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

You Got Served!

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Polish divorce

2008-02-18T00:58:00.000-08:00

POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
--Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
-- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
-- No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
-- All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
-- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
-- No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
-- No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
--She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
--I got proof.
What kind of proof?
-- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'.

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Parenthood-job description

2008-02-18T00:48:00.000-08:00

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
Permanent work in an,
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
And organizational skills and be willing to work
Variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
And fre quent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
Primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
Until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
Pack mule
And be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
In case, this time, the screams from
The backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
Such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
And stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
Coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatheri ngs
For clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
An embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
Half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
The quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
Janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
So that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offerin g frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
Of the assumption that college will help them
Become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
You actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
No tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
No stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
And free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Letting them know they are appreciated
For the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love
To anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

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Divorce letter

2008-02-18T00:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
Called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,,,,,,,,, I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

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The love dress

2008-02-18T00:45:00.000-08:00

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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Food for thought

2008-02-18T00:43:00.000-08:00

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

“ My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom, Spain , Bulgaria , Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tank s and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America Thank you and good night. “

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

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How to save petrol

2008-02-18T00:41:00.000-08:00

A caveman would have thought of this!

Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......

The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .....

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... .

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .....

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved.....

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. .........

I just did.........

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Interview with GOD

2008-02-18T00:28:00.001-08:00

If want have have an interview with GOD visit The interview with god

The Tramp (Shaggy Dog Warning)

2008-02-18T00:28:00.000-08:00

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along
A country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and
Slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
Breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took
Off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to
Flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
He says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
Name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of
Cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
Have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the
Safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've
Seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes
To the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff
- and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
Forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
The tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the
Girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
Dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
Finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
Shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
Economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
Most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
Ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
Storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-
Hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
Don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at
Midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
Dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
Gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets
- 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes
Outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold
Trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
Deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down
Through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
Rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
Very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
Cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more
Thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities
Of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So
that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
By day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
Pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided
He'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough
Time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
Dived...

.. and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
Ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
Old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
Dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He
Broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you
Like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
Passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
Like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-
Back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
Stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
Diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
Excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
Provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
These as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of
Astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye
Could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what
You can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...

Up and up...

Below him the ship grew smaller...

On and on...

Past a solitary albatross...

And still higher...

Till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

And on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

And the earth itself...

Began to shrink...

Past our moon...

And on...

And Mars...

And on...

Higher, and higher...

Through the asteroid belt...

And on and on towards the diving board...

Past the outer planets, until...

On the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

He reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

And then...

.' '.
. .
. .
He jumped.
.
.
.
.
: Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, :
Speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

Through the asteroid belt,

Past Mars,

And the moon,

Faster,

And faster,

Faster - ever faster,

And by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans
And land masses grew clear,

Faster, and faster,

Past the albatross,

Double-back somersault,

And he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

Hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
Dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
Swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a
Throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
The crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the
Most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
Survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
It."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
Modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

So you must understand...

I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

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Sharing

2008-02-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

This is what marriage is really all about ' He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (This is great)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'THE TEETH.'
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Super sex - oldie but goody.....A/C

2008-02-18T00:22:00.000-08:00

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
ï»¿

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Unusual pet:Centipede

2008-02-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new f riend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

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