Anger management for ladies

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you controlyour anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?Wife: I use your toothbrush.


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Late Excuse

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.

Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy forthe house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!".

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VAlentine's day

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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Waterproof Mascara

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.


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Patience

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

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Park

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

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Lipstick

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

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Childbirth

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

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Hardware store

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

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Hair dresser

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

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Grocery List

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

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Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.


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Eternity

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.


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Diet Soda

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

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Clothes dryer

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

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Cantaloupe

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

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Blonde jokes

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

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Bar-be-que

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

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Airhead

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.


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Argument

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

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