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Monday, February 18, 2008

gynecologist visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, " you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,
plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored.
"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting
hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change."

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The empty nest

Ok I love my daughter and my son but what happened to the empty nest? I spent years raising them so they would be able to go on their own. All those years the BATTLE CRY was we want to be on our own ; do what we want and ok. The day came when they went out the door to their freedom their independence; I showed a tear or too but when they were out of sight I cranked up the cd player to MY MUSIC and danced around the kitchen. Ok sex with my husband no longer had to be carefully planned; no more music that made no sense to me, quiet dinners with my husband; when the phone rang it was for me. Ok this lasted for a few months and then one day my daughter is at the door her and the boyfriend have split up and so back home to mom and dad. Ok that was not too bad and then she moved out this time for good and GUESS WHAT we skip from the 80's to 2006 and Mom is a widow but happy on her own dating and enjoying life and the son shows up on her doorstep and ok he needs to stay for awhile out of work for the first time in 10 years and so Mom shares her apartment her phone her computer with him; she can date but he wants to know everything about who and why . Ok I know this will soon end RIGHT? Mom will be alone again YES that day will come.

So trust me the Empty Nest is just fiction made up by those that want to make money by selling you ideas and perhaps pills to deal with being without the kids; they leave screaming freedom but always return and WHY no rent no bills plenty of food OK OK iam teasing this tale is true and I just wanted to put a funny spin on it lol hugs jackie

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I had it all

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...
then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

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Having a Bad day.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor cut and bleeding. On seeing the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered patio door the wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet.
The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard. One of them slipped and tipped the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
and
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him, with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman

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Who would know ?

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

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Grandparents

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown


Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley


Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can
but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie



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Boudreaux

Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the
Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux.
When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey, Boudreaux, how do you
like the heat down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon
in July."

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all
the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the
Devil asked him, "NOW, how do you like it down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou
Lafourche."

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that
night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The
whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters.
When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW,
Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one
happy Cajun!

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one
happy Cajun?!!

Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"


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And there will be three

The newly wed wife said to her husband when
He returned from work: "I have great news for
You. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
House instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness
And kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the
Happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that
Way because tomorrow morning my mother
Moves in with us."


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Father' occupation

What's your father's occupation?" asked the
teacher on the first day of the new academic
year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or
sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."


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The will

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well
as the good; the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the
business going; the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I
would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello, Dan!"



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Quarell between husband and wife

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel,
and hubby was losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You'll bring out the
beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

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Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says"
Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.
"The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

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Late Excuse

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.

Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy forthe house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!".

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Drive-through ATM machines

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


MALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


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Know your worth

A woman approached Picasso in a restaurant, asked him to scribble something on a napkin, and said she would be happy to pay whatever he felt it was worth. Picasso complied and then said, “That will be $10,000.”

“But you did that in thirty seconds,” the astonished woman replied.

“No,” Picasso said. “It has taken me forty years to do that.”

Source: What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School by Mark H. McCormack


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A navy pilot

A NAVY PILOT Joke



During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.



When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.



The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles



When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'



Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.



The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot Fashion exclaimed........



'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'

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Cup of TEA

Okay, I will tell you a story my mother used to tell about me when I was just a toddler. (I'm the youngest of a large family and was almost like a grandchild to my own parents).

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 2 1/2 and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing'. My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?'"

And sure enough that's where I was getting his tea........!!!

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The polite way to pee

teacher trying to teach good manners, asked the students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Daring, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted.......

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$20,000-14%

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University and probably know this. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary hardly thought a moment before replying, "Everything but my earrings."

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Weather Forecasting

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
New Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
Was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
Secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
Was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
Village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
Asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
More firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
To be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
Going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
Crazy."

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Men are like....

Men are like....



For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


Men are like....


1. Men are like .. Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!


You Got Served!

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Polish divorce

POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
--Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
-- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
-- No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
-- All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
-- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
-- No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
-- No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
--She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
--I got proof.
What kind of proof?
-- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'.


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Parenthood-job description

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
Permanent work in an,
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
And organizational skills and be willing to work
Variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
And fre quent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
Primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
Until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
Pack mule
And be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
In case, this time, the screams from
The backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
Such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
And stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
Coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatheri ngs
For clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
An embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
Half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
The quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
Janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
So that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offerin g frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
Of the assumption that college will help them
Become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
You actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
No tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
No stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
And free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Letting them know they are appreciated
For the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love
To anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!


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Divorce letter

Dear Wife,



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
Called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,,,,,,,,, I'm gone.





Signed,



Your EX-Husband



P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

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The love dress

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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Food for thought

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


“ My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.


Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom, Spain , Bulgaria , Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tank s and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America Thank you and good night. “

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)


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How to save petrol

A caveman would have thought of this!



Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......



The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!





That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....





Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....





When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .....

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....





After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... .





This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .....





If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved.....

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. .........

I just did.........

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Interview with GOD

If want have have an interview with GOD visit The interview with god

The Tramp (Shaggy Dog Warning)

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along
A country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and
Slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
Breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took
Off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to
Flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
He says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
Name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of
Cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
Have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the
Safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've
Seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes
To the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff
- and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
Forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
The tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the
Girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
Dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
Finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
Shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
Economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
Most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
Ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
Storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-
Hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
Don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at
Midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
Dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
Gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets
- 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes
Outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold
Trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
Deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down
Through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
Rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
Very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
Cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more
Thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities
Of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So
that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
By day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
Pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided
He'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough
Time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
Dived...

.. and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
Ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
Old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
Dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He
Broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you
Like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
Passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
Like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-
Back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
Stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
Diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
Excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
Provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
These as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of
Astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye
Could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what
You can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...

Up and up...

Below him the ship grew smaller...

On and on...

Past a solitary albatross...

And still higher...

Till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

And on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

And the earth itself...

Began to shrink...

Past our moon...

And on...

And Mars...

And on...

Higher, and higher...

Through the asteroid belt...

And on and on towards the diving board...

Past the outer planets, until...

On the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

He reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

And then...

.' '.
. .
. .
He jumped.
.
.
.
.
: Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, :
Speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

Through the asteroid belt,

Past Mars,

And the moon,

Faster,

And faster,

Faster - ever faster,

And by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans
And land masses grew clear,

Faster, and faster,

Past the albatross,

Double-back somersault,

And he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

Hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
Dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
Swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a
Throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
The crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the
Most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
Survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
It."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
Modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

So you must understand...

I've been through many a hard ship in my life."


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Sharing

This is what marriage is really all about ' He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (This is great)
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'THE TEETH.'
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Super sex - oldie but goody.....A/C

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


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Unusual pet:Centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new f riend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......





A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"




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