Anger management for ladies

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you controlyour anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?Wife: I use your toothbrush.


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Drive-through ATM machines

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


MALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE ATM PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


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VAlentine's day

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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Waterproof Mascara

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.


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Patience

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

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Park

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

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Lipstick

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

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Childbirth

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

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Hardware store

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

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Hair dresser

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

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Grocery List

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

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Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.


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Eternity

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.


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Diet Soda

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

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Clothes dryer

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

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Cantaloupe

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

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Blonde jokes

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

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Airhead

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.


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Argument

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

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