THE BEST COMPUTER JOKE

How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?
Submitted by: (BILL GATES? Just kidding...)

THE SICKEST JOKE

THE TOP THREE MOST PSYCHO PICK-UP LIES: 3) WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF WOOD; 2) I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I HAVE NO NOSTRILS; 3) BABY, YOU STOLE MY HEART....THAT'S OK, I HAVE TWO IN THE FRIDGE AT HOME

(Chaz, I really hope you live far far away...)

THE BEST HEADLINE JOKE

Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

THE BEST RIDDLE

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?


(I'm sure the president is close to getting this one figured out!)

BEST "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU" JOKE

A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"

THE BEST ETHNIC JOKE

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

THE BEST ETHNIC JOKE

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

THE WORST AND DUMBEST JOKE

What's the difference between an orange? The horse because it doesn't have handle bars!


(Well David there are places where you can get help... but first how many fingers do I have?)

THE WORST JOKE

A boy went into a chip shop and asked for cod and chips the proprietor asked the lad, "Do you want salt'n'vinegar on that?" to which the boy replied "No thanks I've got me bike outside!"

THE DUMBEST JOKE

What did a 1 year old baby said when he received his first birthday present? "Unco, Unco" (The sound that little baby make)

(Really Quinc does your baby make that sound? Maybe you should get that checked...)

BEST IDEA FOR A COOK BOOK

Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

THE BEST CHRISTMAS JOKE

What's the name of the ninth reindeer? Olive as in "all of" the other reindeer.

BEST KIDS JOKE

Q) Why were the little strawberries upset? A) Because their parents were in a jam!

MOST TOPICAL JOKE

What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?

THE GROSSEST JOKE: (That we found still respectable)

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?... His ass!
Submitted by: Kelly Britt on Sat Dec 2 18:59:25 PST 1995
(Really Kelly thats not nice... poor bug!)

THE HARDEST WORKING JOKE:

Okay, here goes... (Maybe we'll make it to the punch line this time!) One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began t he youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying Dan Rather!" "DAN RATHER?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
Submitted by: Mark Salenitne on Sat Jan 13 12:59:07 PST 1996
(He was actually late getting it out for 1995 ... but we figured he was still typing...)

THE OLDEST JOKE:

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9

THE BEST ANIMAL JOKE

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

EUROPEAN

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!

political puppies

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

Followers

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"

fly

If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
(Is someone keeping an eye on this kid?)

Ritous boys

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

psychiatrists

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

psychiatrists

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

seagulls or bagels

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

multiple personalities

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

give us this day our daily chicken.

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

FIRST BITE - ON STATISTICS

Statistics, as we all know (Do we really?!?!) is a scientific method of studying phenomena. Here is what Aaron Levenstein has said about Statistics :

Statistics are like a bikini.
What they reveal is suggestive,
but what they conceal is vital.


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

A BITE ON "TALKING"

Were you ever asked in school to write the opposite of 'talking' ? What do you think is the answer ? O.K. Swallow this thought by Fran Lebowitz...

The opposite of talking isn't listening.
The opposite of talking is waiting


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

A Mathematical Puzzle

Here is a puzzle; not much difficult, just some thinking and some analysis of what is given to get answer; try your way. I shall give the solution in my post on March 30, if nobody could solve it. You can post your solutions as comment. So here it is : If

1 * 2 = 5
3 * 4 = 25
5 * 6 = 61
7 * 8 = 113
then,
9 * 10 = ?


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

A BITE ON "VICTORY"

There is nobody who when defeated has a feeling of pride. Everybody wants to WIN. Bill Veeck was a base ball executive who during a discussion had to say these words about Winning:

I don't think that winning is the most important thing.
I think winning is the only thing.



If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

WOMAN AT DIFFERENT AGES

Some years back a friend of mine had told me 'THIS' to define a woman at different stages of life measured in years. I know I should not talk about the "AGE" of a woman but it is so well described that I cannot help myself.

08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her a story, to take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

IS LIFE WORTH LIVING ?

Since the beginning of human civilization, the word 'LIFE' has been ever-debated term due to the complexities one finds throughout life. Is Life Worth Living ? Let us see what Erich Fromm has to say :



If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.
A new question has arisen in modern man's
mind, the question, namely, whether the life is
worth living...No sensible answer can be given to
the question...because the question does not make any sense.


If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

A JOKE FOR TODAY

Scientists say that laughter is the best - what do you think I am going to say ?... No it is not 'medicine' - nowadays it has become an obsolete word. For me the saying goes like this...Laughter is the only vitamin with 100 times more effect than viag...!!! So let's laugh for a while.

A middle aged woman screamed into the phone : "Send someone over quickly! Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied, " I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled, " they need a longer ladder!"

If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.

ONE MORE JOKE...

Here is one more bite of laughter.

An amorous-minded doctor was in bed with his wife on one of their few occasions together, and refused to be dragged out by any patient.
When a call came, he asked his wife to answer the bedside phone. The person on phone described his emergency. The wife told the man on the other side that the doctor was out and prescribed what the doctor whispered.

"Thank you," said the voice at the other end, "but is that gentleman in bed with you fully qualified ?"

If you like this post then please consider subscribing to my full feed RSS. You can also Subscribe to FUN PEN by Email and have new posts sent directly to your inbox.