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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Weight loss program

Weight Loss Program:


There's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike
running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you
can catch me,
you
can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has
lost 10lbs., as promised. He then calls the company and orders their
5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and
there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in
his life.
She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck
that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the
door after
her
like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while
to
catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp
and
wheeze,
so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight,
on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another 20lb., as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the
company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on
the phone, This
is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt
this
good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing
but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Johnny.
If I catch you, you're mine........"



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The golden screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In
its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with
it.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw
the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and
thus, never made any friends.

One day, while surfing the internet, he learned of a swami in Tibet
that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next
day he took his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to
sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day
when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the
night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window,
bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the golden screw laying
on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and
there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in
seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

Don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose
your butt.

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The bottle of wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the
next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed
a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two ... then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade ..."


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The wishing well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a while but
then smiled "Wow! It really works!"


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The Amazing Claude

The Amazing Claude
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing
Claude
was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike
most
hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique
pocket watch from
his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's
a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch as The Amazing
Claude
continued,
"You are getting sleepy...sleepy... you are now under my power.."
Until, suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

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The perfect couple

Once upon time a time a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge sack of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children ther perfect couple loaded Santa and thew toys into the car.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately the weather got worse and the perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

QUESTION: Who was the survivor?

Read on to find the answer!



The perfect woman survived. She is the only one that really exists in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

*Women stop reading here this is the end of the joke.
*Men read on to continue.



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. That explains why there was a car accident.

*Men continue!



By the way if your a woman, and your still reading, this illustrates another point:

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!


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Accident happens !

A man runs into a friend and notices that his car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood.
He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into my ex wife's divorce lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."


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The Love of beans

Once there lived a woman who had a terrible passion for baked beans. She loved them but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on her. One day she met a man and they fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry she thought to himself, "He'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, her car broke down. Since they lived in the country she telephoned her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk.

On her way home she passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed her. Since she still had several miles to walk the woman thought she would walk off any ill effects before she got home. So she went into the cafe and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home she farted. By the time she arrived home she felt reasonably safe. Her husband met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" He exclaimed.

He then put a blindfold on his wife and led her to her chair at the head of the table and made her promise not to peek. At this point she was beginning to feel another fart coming on. The woman heard her husband enter the room and set something down on the table before he started to remove her blindfold. Just before he could remove it the telephone rang. He again made her promise not to peek until he returned and went off to answer the phone.

While he was gone his wife seized the opportunity. She shifted her weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud but ripe as a rotten egg. She had a hard time breathing so she felt for her napkin and fanned the air about her.

She had just started to feel better when another urge came on. This time she raised her leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine reving and smelled even worse. To keep herself from gagging she tried fanning her arms a while hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when she felt another urge coming. She shifted her weight to her other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping her promise to staying blindfolded the wife carried on like this for the next 10 minutes. Continuous farting and then fanning each time with her napkin. When she heard the phone farewells she neatly laid her napkin on her lap and folded her hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, she was the picture of innocence when her husband walked in. Apologizing for taking so long he asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring him she had not peeked, he removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To her shock and horror there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for her surprise birthday party.



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Start Topic

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong...school, family problems, severe health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks the child if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

"Here. Have some cooking oil."

"Yuck," says the boy.

"How about a couple of raw eggs?"

"Gross, Grandma."

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which the Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

" God works the same way. Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and difficult times, but, God knows that, when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually they will all make something wonderful!"

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