Parenthood-job description

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
Permanent work in an,
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
And organizational skills and be willing to work
Variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
And fre quent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
Primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
Until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
Pack mule
And be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
In case, this time, the screams from
The backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
Such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
And stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
Coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatheri ngs
For clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
An embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
Half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
The quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
Janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
So that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offerin g frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
Of the assumption that college will help them
Become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
You actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
No tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
No stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
And free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Letting them know they are appreciated
For the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love
To anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!


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Divorce letter

Dear Wife,



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
Called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,,,,,,,,, I'm gone.





Signed,



Your EX-Husband



P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

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The love dress

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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Food for thought

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


“ My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.


Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom, Spain , Bulgaria , Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tank s and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America Thank you and good night. “

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)


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How to save petrol

A caveman would have thought of this!



Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......



The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!





That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....





Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....





When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .....

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....





After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... .





This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .....





If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved.....

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. .........

I just did.........

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Interview with GOD

If want have have an interview with GOD visit The interview with god

The Tramp (Shaggy Dog Warning)

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along
A country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and
Slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
Breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took
Off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to
Flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
He says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
Name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of
Cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
Have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the
Safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've
Seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes
To the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff
- and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
Forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
The tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the
Girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
Dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
Finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
Shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
Economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
Most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
Ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
Storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-
Hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
Don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at
Midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
Dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
Gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets
- 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes
Outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold
Trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
Deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down
Through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
Rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
Very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
Cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more
Thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities
Of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So
that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
By day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
Pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided
He'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough
Time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
Dived...

.. and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
Ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
Old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
Dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He
Broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you
Like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
Passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
Like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-
Back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
Stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
Diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
Excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
Provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
These as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of
Astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye
Could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what
You can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...

Up and up...

Below him the ship grew smaller...

On and on...

Past a solitary albatross...

And still higher...

Till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

And on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

And the earth itself...

Began to shrink...

Past our moon...

And on...

And Mars...

And on...

Higher, and higher...

Through the asteroid belt...

And on and on towards the diving board...

Past the outer planets, until...

On the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

He reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

And then...

.' '.
. .
. .
He jumped.
.
.
.
.
: Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, :
Speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

Through the asteroid belt,

Past Mars,

And the moon,

Faster,

And faster,

Faster - ever faster,

And by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans
And land masses grew clear,

Faster, and faster,

Past the albatross,

Double-back somersault,

And he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

Hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
Dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
Swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a
Throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
The crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the
Most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
Survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
It."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
Modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

So you must understand...

I've been through many a hard ship in my life."


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Sharing

This is what marriage is really all about ' He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (This is great)
*
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*
*
*
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'THE TEETH.'
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Super sex - oldie but goody.....A/C

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


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Unusual pet:Centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new f riend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......





A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"




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